geeklover80 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
geeklover80) wrote2011-12-24 04:55 pm
geeklover80) wrote2011-12-24 04:55 pm
Fic: Stop All the Clocks- Part 2
Title: Stop All the Clocks (2/6 + Epilogue)
Author: GeekSlave
Prompt: Four Weddings and a Funeral
Rating: R
Warnings: Language, cheating, character death
Spoilers: For Torchwood series 1 & 2 and Doctor Who series 5 &6
Summary: When bachelor Ianto Jones attends a friend’s wedding, he unexpectedly meets the potential man of his dreams.
Characters/Pairings: Ianto Jones/Jack Harkness, River Song/The Doctor, Rory Williams/Amy Pond, Toshiko Sato/Owen Harper, Toshiko Sato/Tommy Brockless, Jack Harkness/John Hart, Ianto Jones/Gwen Cooper, Rhiannon Jones/Johnny Davies, Rose Tyler/Mickey Smith, Andy Davidson, Wilfred Mott, Estelle Cole, Donna Noble, Rhys Williams, Suzie Costello, Martha Jones, Lisa Hallet
Disclaimer: The characters of Torchwood and Doctor Who belong to the BBC. The characters and screenplay for Four Weddings and a Funeral belong to 20th Century Fox, MGM, and Richard Curtis
Author’s Notes: Written for the reel_Torchwood challenge, round 4. Huge thank you to my betas,![[info]](https://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.3)
janiemc, for making sure my grammar was gooder and for britpicking, and jolinarjackson for support and advice giving. This is my first attempt at any kind of challenge or Jack/Ianto fanfic. Any comments-complimentary or constructive- will be much appreciated. Title taken from line in WH Auden poem "Funeral Blues" used in the movie.
Part 2
Three Months Later
“FUCK!” Ianto rushed into Amy’s room and shook her awake.
“Mm?” Amy looked at the clock and grimaced. “Fuck!”
Once again there was a mad dash to get ready as they tripped over themselves getting dressed, gathered their keys and rushed out the door. And of course there was more swearing. “Fuck! Fuckity fuck!” Ianto exclaimed as they went down the stairs.
“Car or taxi?” Amy said as she tried to gather up her bridesmaid dress to keep from tripping. The dress had clear lace puffy sleeves and the overlay was peach taffeta that lead to a full hoop skirt with a big bow in the back.
“Taxi. We could never park.” Ianto said as they ran down the sidewalk. They ran out to a crossing point at the busy main street. They looked around for a taxi but there were none in sight. “Car seems a good idea.” Amy nodded.
They ran to her car and were horrified to find a clamp on it. Amy groaned as she thought of all the parking fines she hadn’t paid. “Fuck.”
Their only option was to run. As they got closer to the church the bow on the back of Amy’s dress fell off. “Uh, uh, your…”
“Leave it! No one will notice.”
They got to the church and Ianto raced inside. Amy made to follow him, until she noticed the limo at the front of the steps which the other bridesmaid and bride were getting out of. She raced over as the bridesmaids were lining up and slid in undetected.
Inside the church, River waved Ianto over to where she and the rest of his friends were seated. They didn’t bat an eyelash at his late arrival. “Well,” Ianto exhaled. Sorry I’m late. Traffic.” He looked over and saw none of them were buying his excuse. He sighed. “Yeah…Who is it today?”
Everyone, including Ianto, had been a bit surprised when Mickey Smith and Rose Tyler had announced their engagement so quickly. No one had really seen it coming when they started dating, given that they had been friends since childhood and Rose seemed to treat him like one of the girls more than anything else. But their night together after Rhiannon and Johnny’s wedding changed everything. They hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other ever since and they fell madly in love. They were lucky that Rose’s father was so wealthy that they could throw together a lavish wedding in a few short months.
As Father Andy Davidson came out and walked toward the front altar, he clutched his bible and thumbed through it again as if he’d never read it before. He look towards the congregation and gulped. He closed his eyes and practically chanted the opening lines so he wouldn’t forget them again.
A nervous Rory sat next to Mickey in the front pew. He had never been a best man before and was determined not to mess anything up. He turned to look at his friends and waved at Ianto. Ianto smiled and waved back. He finally had a great chance to tease Ianto, so he took out the rings and held them in front of his eyes. Ianto acknowledged the joke with a nod.
The wedding coordinator was in the back making sure everything was ready for the bride to make her entrance, while the Rose’s other bridesmaid, Sarah Jane, fluffed out Rose’s skirt so it would trail nicely behind her as she walked down the aisle. Rose fiddled with the tiara attached to her veil. The organ began to play “The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba” as Rose’s father Peter escorted her down the aisle. The rest of the attendants followed. As Amy and Sarah Jane were the last two in line, no one noticed that because of the missing bow the dress didn’t close in the back and Amy’s bright blue underwear was displayed for all to see. There were a few titters from the crowd, but nothing too noticeable. Ianto had an urge to go up there and help Amy fix the dress. But he wasn’t sure how the dress could be fixed, so he remained seated. Amy didn’t embarrass easily. Ianto had a feeling she’d probably laugh about it.
Andy continued to fidget nervously as he waited for the bride. He played with his hat and the chasuble, constantly adjusting it on his shoulders.
Rory stood at the altar, straight as an arrow, trying to be as solemn as possible. As Amy walked past him and took her place next to him, he noticed her underwear was exposed and gaped, his eye practically popping out of his head. He bent towards her slightly and whispered in her ear, “Amy, I don’t want to alarm you but your...your bu…bu…backside seems to be exposed.”
Amy twisted a little and looked behind her. “Well, what do you know. You’re right. I thought it was a little drafty back there.” And that was all she said as she turned back to look towards the front of the church.
Rory was still a little taken aback, but smiled. He didn’t know how Amy could be so fearless he thought it was amazing.
As Rose stood next to Mickey, Andy realized he should take his hat off and hesitated, wondering where best to leave it. Finally, he quickly put it down to the right of his feet and stood up. The organ stopped playing as he began to speak, “In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”
The congregation repeats after him, “Amen.”
“Let us pray. “ Everyone bowed their heads. “Father, you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery, a symbol of Christ’s love for his church. Hear our prayers for Michael and Rose through your son, Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Goat…” Andy sputtered as he realized his faux pas. “Uh…uh, Ghost.”
Pete Tyler looked at his wife Jackie perplexed. But he shrugged; figuring one mistake wasn’t too bad.
Andy continued, “One God, forever and ever. Amen.”
Owen turned to Ianto in glee. “It’s his first time. He’s a friend of the family.”
“Ah, excellent!” Ianto beamed as he turned back to the proceedings.
“Michael and Rose, I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage. Michael, repeat after me.” Mickey nodded nervously. “I do solemnly declare…”
“I do solemnly declare…” Mickey repeated.
“…that I know not of any lawful impediment.”
“…that I know not of any lawful impediment.”
“…why I, Rose…”
Mickey looked at Andy in confusion. “…why I, Michael…”
Andy just stared at him blankly. There were a few laughs in the congregation. Realizing his mistake, he looked down in embarrassment. He tried to enunciate more clearly. “Sorry…why I, Michael Godfrey Saint John Smith…”
“…why I, Michael Geoffrey St… John Smith…”
Sweat was pouring down Andy’s face. He decided to quickly move on from his last verbal gaffe. “…may not be joined in matrimony to Rose Martin Tyler.”
The smile on Rose’s face fell slightly. She looked to Mickey to correct Father Andy yet again.
“…may not be joined in matrimony to Rose Marion Tyler.”
Andy still looked confused. He looked quickly between Rose and Mickey before turning his full attention to Rose. “Rose, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare…”
“I do solemnly declare…”
“…that I know not of any lawful impediment…”
Andy was starting to smile, thinking he had finally gotten the hang of things. “…why I, Rose Marion Tyler…”
“…why I, Rose Marion Tyler…”
“…may not be johned in matrimony…”
Rose cocked her head to the side. “…may not be joined in matrimony…”
Andy shook his head up and down quickly acknowledging his mistake. “…to Michael Geoffrey Sidd…Siddun…Smith.”
Rose corrected him. “…to Michael Geoffrey St. John Smith.”
Amy was shaking with laughter and had to muffle the noise by hiding her face in her bouquet. Ianto had to cover his whole face to cover his huge smile and laughter. Mickey’s grandmother did not look amused.
Andy joined Mickey and Rose’s hands. “I call upon those persons here present to witness…”
Mickey repeats after him once more. “I call upon those persons here present to witness…”
“…that I, Michael…” he paused trying to work out how to pronounce Mickey’s middle names once again. Mickey was sweating and his lip quivered as he waited for Andy to finish. “…Smith.”
Mickey heaved a heavy sigh. “…that I, Michael Smith.”
“…do take thee, Rose Marion Tyler…”
Mickey was beaming now that they were almost done. “…do take thee, Rose Marion Tyler…”
Andy looked triumphant. “…to be my awful wedded wife.”
Rose bit her lip and closed her eyes. There were more titters in the congregation.
“…to be my lawful wedded wife.” Mickey said patiently.
“That’s ri…That’s right.” Andy exclaimed. “May Almighty God bless you all. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spigot…Spirit.” Andy sputtered to a close.
“Amen,” everyone in the congregation chanted.
“Bravo!” The Doctor shouted loudly.
Everyone clapped. Andy looked crestfallen as he closed his bible. Rose just laughed in relief. Mickey let out a few, deep breaths and leaned over and kissed his new wife on the cheek. They looked back at Andy and smiled at him, showing there were no hard feelings. Andy started to relax a little and looked out at the congregation with a small smile on his face.
*****The reception was in full swing now. Despite the comedy of errors that was their vicar’s performance Rose and Mickey were full of hearty laughs and smiles as they went around the spacious room greeting their guests.
The Doctor walked up to Owen and Ianto and put his arm around both of them. “I’ve got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day they run out of conversation.”
“Uh huh,” Ianto replied trying to keep up with where the Doctor might be going with this.
“Totally. They can’t think of a single thing to say to each other. That’s it! Panic! Then suddenly, it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.” He takes a long dramatic pause.
Ianto pours him some champagne. “Which is?”
“He’ll ask her to marry him.” The Doctor says simply, as if it was obvious.
“Brilliant! Brilliant!” Ianto says sarcastically.
The Doctor continues. “Suddenly, they’ve got something to talk about for the rest of their lives!”
“Basically, you’re saying that marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.”
The Doctor nodded his head vigorously. “The definitive icebreaker!” Rory walked up to them, looking rather pleased. “Rory! How’s the speech coming along?”
“It’s pretty good, I think. Something for everyone. Tears, laughter…” He nodded confidently as he walked away.
The Doctor laughed loudly. “Excellent!”
Ianto picked up their previous conversation. “Well, I think it’s a very good theory, Doctor.”
Owen piped in. “Well there is another argument, of course. That it has something to do with true love.”
Ianto looked serious for a moment. “Well, there’s a thought.”
“Not saying I believe it, mind you,” Owen shrugged. “Just something I’ve heard.”
A few minutes later Ianto went out to the courtyard where they were serving drinks. “Can I help you, sir?” The waiter by the drink table asked.
“Can I have three glasses of brandy, please?” As he waited he felt someone lean in close.
“Hi,” a familiar, welcome voice whispered in Ianto’s ear.
Quickly turning around, Ianto was shocked and enormously pleased to see Captain Jack Harkness standing in front of him. He was without his great coat. He was wearing a simple black suit jacket over a black silk shirt and no tie. He looked heavenly. “Hello!”
Jack smiled. “How are you?
“Fine! Fine!” Ianto couldn’t stop staring and smiling. It looked like someone had put a fish hook in his mouth. “Yeah…Sorry. I’m…I’m overwhelmed to see you.” He ran his hand nervously through his hair as Jack kept smiling at him. “Um…Look, don’t go back to America. Please.” He grabbed his drinks. “I’ll be back in two secs.”
“Ok.”
Jack quickly ran back into the ballroom. He passed River in her customary black. “Hi, Riv.” He sailed passed her and handed Owen and the Doctor their drinks. “That’s yours. That’s yours. See you in five hours.”
“Something happened?” The Doctor asked.
Ianto rubbed his hands together in excitement. “It has a bit. This is a bloody great wedding!” He ran back outside and took the steps two at a time reaching Jack in record time. “Well, you look perfect. In fact, you probably are perfect. Well, how are you?”
Jack looked down briefly. “I’m really well.” He turned around and looked behind him. “Ianto, I’d like you to me John Hart, my fiancé.”
Ianto stared shell-shocked as a brunette man, with ridiculously sculpted cheekbones, walked towards him. He supposed it was his jealousy taking over but he immediately sensed the man was an arrogant prick. He tried to cover his devastation. “Excellent! Excellent. How do you do, John? Delighted to meet you. Charming surprise to find Jack back in the country.”
“Yes, well, took a lot of persuading, I can tell you.” He smirked and looked at Jack. “Come on, babe, I told James I was going to get you.” He walked passed Ianto and took Jack’s hand. “He’ll begin to think I’ve totally lost control of you already.”
Jack laughed, though Ianto thought it sounded forced. Jack turned back to Ianto. “I’ll see you later.” John dragged him away.
Ianto turned and looked out at the happy crowd, unseeing, lost in his own thoughts. He wondered what the hell had just happened and how his life could take such a steep, depressing nosedive so quickly.
Owen found Ianto a little bit later, still lost in thought, sitting in a corner of the ballroom. “How are you doing, Ianto?”
“Not great, actually…suddenly.” He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “I don’t know…I mean, um…what the hell’s going on here? Why am I always at weddings and never actually getting married, Owen?”
Owen sat down next to him. “It’s probably because you’re a bit scruffy. Also you’re a bit of an idiot, mate. But I think girls kind of like that about you. I could never get away with half the things you do.” Owen laughed genially. “Or it could also be ‘cause you haven’t met the right girl.”
Ianto laughed mirthlessly at that, especially that last word. “Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe…maybe girls aren’t the problem…I don’t know.” He bowed his hand and ran his hands roughly through his hair. “Maybe it’s me.”
Owen clapped him on the back. “Nonsense.”
“My lords, ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served,” the Master of Ceremonies, in his bright red suit jacket, red vest and blue ribbon with medal announced.
“Come on. Odds on, you meet your wife at dinner.” Owen said, getting up.
‘Not bloody likely.’ Ianto thought. But he decided to try and muddle through with a brave face. “Yes!” He said aloud.
They walked into the large and opulent dining room and looked to a large framed board where the seating arrangements were placed. Owen spotted where he was to be seated but waited for Ianto behind him. Ianto looked at the board and did a double take. He stared at the board in horror. “Oh, my God!”
He ran off without explaining anything to Owen. “Ianto?” He called after him and glanced at the board.
Ianto slowly walked to his doom. As he arrived he tried to put a smile on his face. “Hi.” He said a little too loudly.
“Hello,” a blonde haired man got up and offered his hand. “Hello. I’m Jake.”
Ianto shook his hand. “Great.”
Jake turned to his date. “And I believe you know Suzie.”
Ianto nodded uncomfortably. “Yeah. Hi, Suze. Hi.” He looked at another woman at the table, a dark-skinned beauty in an elegant blue dress. “Martha.” He looked to his right, at the somewhat older woman, her hair in an elegant French twist. He just stared at her quickly, not knowing what to say. He looked down at the table. “Great.”
River was seated at her table waiting for The Doctor and everyone else to arrive. She was seated next to an older woman in a black hat with blue bow on the front and a blue dress with black stripes, and a big black bow that tied the collar together. River wasn’t sure, but believed her name to be Estelle. She was purposefully ignoring her, but was trying not to be rude or obvious about it.
“Tell me, are you married?” The woman inevitably said.
River was more than used to the question and answered blankly, “No.”
“Are you a lesbian?”
River winced uncomfortably and her eyes bulged slightly. “Good Lord!” She scratched her hair nervously.
“Um…Well, what made you say that?”
Estelle shrugged. “It’s one of the possibilities for unmarried girls. It is a bit more interesting than saying ‘just never found the right chap’, eh?”
Nodding River smiled at the woman, “Quite right. Why be dull?”
Estelle returned the smile. “Thank you.”
Estelle continued to look at River. River, having used the tactic before, was sure the woman wouldn’t stop until River spoke up. River looked behind her to see if the Doctor was on his way. She turned back and Estelle stole another glance at her. “Truth is I have met the right man. He’s amazing and special and I know there’s no one on Earth I’d rather be with. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to be the marrying type. “
“Bad luck!” Estelle replied sadly.
“I suppose.” River shrugged. “It’s not really so terrible. Marriage isn’t everything.”
Estelle looked at her skeptically.
After a slight pause, River turned to her again. “I was a lesbian once at school, but only for about 15 minutes. So, I don’t think it counts.”
A few minutes later the Doctor, Owen, and Jack (minus John) all arrived at the table together. Ianto watched as Jack was telling stories that had the whole table laughing uproariously. Seething with jealousy and wishing he was elsewhere, Ianto barely heard any of the inane chatter going on.
“There are 400 different kinds of tea, and that’s not including all these so-called fruit teas.” Jake scoffed. “I took Suzie out to India at Christmas to look at the plantations.”
“Ah, excellent,” Ianto said, finally paying attention.
“I believe you and her went out there once.” Jake replied.
Ianto smiled tensely. “That’s right.”
“Ianto was vile. He insisted on cracking jokes all the time I was ill.” Suzie said looking at Ianto coldly.
“Trying to cheer you up, Suze.” Ianto defended lamely.
Martha perked up at this turn in the conversation. “Oh, you’re that Suzie!”
“Which Suzie?” She turned to Ianto in alarm. “Ianto?”
Ianto just scratched his head in confusion.
Martha explained. “When Ianto and I were going out, he told me he’d had this…interesting journey round India with Spewing Suzie. I think that was it.” Jake put his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.
Ianto tried to laugh it off. “I don’t remember ever mentioning it. Maybe…maybe I did.”
Another dark-skinned beauty at the table, Lisa, spoke up. “Oh, come on, Ianto! I don’t think I’ve ever been out with anyone less discreet.”
Ianto sputtered indignantly. “That’s probably a bit of an exaggeration, isn’t it, Lis?”
“It is not!” Martha exclaimed.
Lisa chimed in again. “I remember you going on about this girl Gwen, was it, whose mother made a pass at you.”
Suzie squealed in excitement. “I remember this! You couldn’t work out whether it would be impolite not to accept her advances!” Everyone at the table started giggling uncontrollably.
“That’s right. Mrs. Piggy!” Martha contributed. “Gwen was Miss Piggy, so her mother was Mrs. Piggy!”
Everyone’s guffawing grew even louder. Ianto was laughing nervously, dying a little inside. He tried to cover, “I…I think perhaps it was a…it was a…”
The older woman to his right interrupted him. “We’ve both lost a lot of weight since then.”
Everyone’s laughter died instantly. No one could stomach looking at Gwen’s mother, Mary. Luckily, they were all saved anymore awkwardness when the sound of a wine glass being tapped reverberated through the hall. Ianto quickly turned toward the front of the room. “Ah, great! The speeches.”
The Master of Ceremonies appeared at the end of the table with the bride, groom, family, and attendants. “My lords, ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for the best man.”
Everyone applauded. Rory, seated next to Father Andy and Amy, stood up. Rose tapped her glass with a spoon lightly. Rory started his speech, looking down at a single piece of paper. “Uh…when Mickey told me he was getting engaged to Rose, I congratulated him because all his other girlfriends had been such complete dogs.” He chuckled.
Rose was the only one who laughed. Mickey squeezed her hand, looking decidedly not amused, as did her father.
“Although may I say how delighted we are to have so many of them here today.” Rory continued uncomfortably. The Doctor barked with laughter. “I’m particularly delighted to see Camilla,” he waved to her, “who many of you will probably remember as the first person Mickey asked to marry him.” Crickets. “If I remember rightly, she told him to sod off!” The Doctor once again was the only one who laughed. Everyone else looked confused, angry, or embarrassed. “And lucky for Rose that she did.” The Doctor cackled. Jack and Owen were smiling as well.
Later River, Owen, Amy, and The Doctor were sitting in a large, golden high backed sofa in the middle of the lobby. Ianto was standing next to them when he saw Pete Tyler coming out of the ballroom scolding Rory, who was trailing behind him miserably. “It’s very disappointing!” Amy squeezed his hand as he walked passed.
The Doctor was smoking. “We had the most fascinating man at our table called Captain Jack Harkness. Apparently his fiancé’s awfully grand and owns his own jet.” He swiveled his head to look at Ianto. “How are you?”
Ianto rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh, well, I seem to be stuck in the wedding from hell. Ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn. Next thing you know I’ll bump into Gwen and the horror will be complete.”
“Hello, Ianto.” A soft female voice said from behind him. All of his friends cringed.
Ianto turned smoothly to face her. “Hello, Gwen. How are you?”
Gwen looked at him with big doe eyes. She started to speak but immediately dissolved into tears.
“Oh, Gwen…”
Her mother appeared at her side and took her arm. “Why can’t you just leave her alone? Haven’t you hurt her enough?” Gwen continued to sob as her mother led her away.
Somberly, Ianto turned to his friends. “Excuse me. I think I’d better be where other people are not.”
Tommy Brockless stood at the entrance to the ballroom, scanning the crowd for one particular person. Owen walked over to him. “She’s over by the drink table.”
Startled, Tommy jumped. “Oh, sorry! I’m a little nervous.”
“There’s no reason to be. Tosh is the sweetest person in the world. She won’t bite…not unless you ask her to. Then it can get a bit dicey.” Owen joked.
Tommy laughed. “Thanks.” He walked over to the drink table. He steeled himself and went over to her. He tapped her on the shoulder and when she turned around, he waved. “Hello.” Then he slowly signed, “I’m T-O-M-M-Y.”
Tosh smiled and waved. “Hello.”
Tommy took out a page of notes. “I’m just learning. I’m probably naking tols of nistakes.”
Tosh shook her head and waved her hands. “No-perfect.” She gave him the “ok” gesture with her hand. “Perfect.”
Tommy sighed, and smiled broadly at her.
Tosh looked out at the dance floor. “Would you like to dance?”
“Yes!” Tommy exclaimed. He nodded and signed, “That would be…mice.”
Tosh couldn’t help giggling. She pointed to the dance floor, and Tommy led then out there.
Owen found himself at his table again, all alone. Then Estelle wandered over and sat down beside her. She hadn’t said much all night, but Owen definitely got the impression that she was a bit nosy. Owen took a sip of his champagne and almost choked when the older woman asked, “Are you gay?”
Owen swallowed. “Good Lord, woman! Do you always begin conversations this way?”
“No. But this has seemed to work out well for me tonight, so I thought I’d try again…So, are you?” She said with no embarrassment whatsoever.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but no. I’ve just got out of a relationship recently.” He looked at her and added, “With a woman.”
Estelle nodded. “Why did the relationship end?”
Owen just stared at her. She stared back at him. He shook his head. “You know I can’t wait to get older, so I can ask incredibly invasive questions without getting punched in the face for it.”
Estelle laughed. “Does that happen to you often?”
“Occasionally.” Owen answered. After a slight pause, he said, “She thought I was in love with someone else.” At Estelle’s blank look he elaborated, “My ex-girlfriend.”
“Ah,” Estelle replied. “And were you?”
Looking down at the table, Owen sighed, “Yeah…I have been for awhile. I’m tough, I’ll get over it. It’s just taking a bit longer than I expected.”
Estelle looked at him sadly. “You know…I haven’t got drunk in a really long time. Shall we?” She looked at Owen.
Owen smirked. “I don’t see why not.”
Rory plopped down in the high back chair, still sulking over his speech going over like a lead balloon. He felt like he’d done everything Ianto had done for his best man speech, and yet somehow he got it all wrong. He felt like he was always getting things wrong and making huge mistakes. He was startled from his thoughts when he noticed Amy waving a hand in his face. He didn’t know how long she had been doing that for.
“Earth to Rory.”
“Sorry, Amy. Didn’t notice you there.” Rory moved over slightly so Amy could sit next to him.
“I’ll try not to be offended at that.” Rory smiled at her. “You know it wasn’t that bad.” Rory looked at her confused. “Your speech. I thought it was funny.”
“Then why didn’t you laugh? If it wasn’t for the Doctor that room would have been as silent as a graveyard.”
“Well…” Amy took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I think…some of those jokes were real thinkers. You had to really let it settle in and then you’ll realize how funny it is. For some people it just takes a really, really, really long time to get it.” Amy cringed at how lame that sounded.
Rory looked down and sighed. He looked back at Amy hopefully, “You really think so?”
“Yeah.”
He put his head on Amy’s shoulder. “Thanks, Amy.”
Ianto was still wandering around aimlessly. Walking through the hallway he noticed a group of women giggling, coming out of the courtroom. They weren’t ex-girlfriends but he was in no mood to deal with anyone, especially women, right now. He dashed into an empty room. The room was dark but he made his way to the window. He sighed and looked out at the sky. When he looked down he saw the Doctor and Jack talking. They were interrupted by Jack’s fiancé, John. The Doctor said goodnight and left. John hailed a taxi. He and Jack laughed together and got into the taxi and left. Ianto turned and leaned his head against the window, closing his eyes. He was startled when he heard the front door open and two figures clumsily stumble inside. It was the bride and groom. They were too busy making out to notice Ianto.
Mickey tore his jacket off. “Oh, God! This is wonderful.” Rose pushed him down on the bed, giggling, and climbing on top of him immediately.
Ianto tried to discretely hide behind the curtain, while Rose writhed on top of her new husband.
“Please!” Rose squealed. They both moaned. Ianto tried to take advantage of their obvious preoccupation and inch towards the door. It was dark enough; they shouldn’t be able to spot him. Rose stopped moving. “Wait a minute, wait a minute. This is no fun! I want to see my lovely husband!” She reached over and tugged the lamp string, filling the room with bright light. They started writhing once again.
Ianto was frozen like a deer in headlights, not knowing what to do. He frantically looked all around the room, finally spotting a closet he may be able to make his way towards. He inched closer and closer, trying to ignore the sounds the newlyweds were making and the way Rose kept moving up and down. He opened the closet door and started to climb in. Before he shut the door he heard Rose exclaim, “Who’s a very bad bridegroom indeed.”
Out in the ballroom, everyone was dancing happily to a mid-tempo song. Rory was practically crushing bridesmaid, Sarah Jane’s feet, and clumsily lurching forward. Under a nearby table, Amy and one of the flower girls, Mica were dancing along with their hands and giggling. “Have you got a boyfriend?” Amy asked.
“Yes. “ The little girl answered simply.
“What’s his name?
“Dolph. He’s good at table tennis. What about you?”
“No. Afraid not. “
“Why not?” Mica asked sadly.
“Don’t know.” Amy said, thinking. “Because most of the blokes I fancy think I’m stupid and pointless, so they just bonk me and then leave me…and the kinds of blokes that do fancy me, I think are drips. I can’t even be bothered to bonk them…which does leave me a bit nowhere. Honestly, most of the men I date are as stupid and pointless as they find me. But they’re just so pretty. But that’s not what I want anymore. I want someone who isn’t as shallow as a mud puddle. I want someone who’s sweet and…beautiful. I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone like that.”
Mica stuck her head out from under the table. “What about him?”
Amy stuck her head out, too. “Who?” Amy looked to where the little girl was pointing. “Who? Rory? No. I couldn’t be with Rory. Rory’s…Rory.”
Mica shrugged. “He’s very sweet. He let me dance on his feet for two dances. And I think he’s handsome.”
Amy continued to stare. “He is sweet.” Amy laughed as Sarah Jane rubbed her foot where Rory had stepped on it yet again. “Maybe…”
“Miss Pond…” Mica interrupted.
Amy looked back at her. “Yeah?”
“What’s bonking?”
Amy bit her lip. “Well, it’s kind of like table tennis, only with slightly smaller balls.”
River took her shoes off as she sat down at a nearby table. “No more. I can’t dance another second.”
“Oh come on, the night’s just getting started.” The Doctor exclaimed.
River raised an eyebrow at him. “Tell that to my feet.”
The Doctor sat down next to her, and took her feet in his hands, rubbing them. River stifled a moan. That definitely felt heavenly. “This wouldn’t happen you know if you would just wear what I suggested.”
River rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry, sweetie but high top sneakers don’t really go with this dress.”
The Doctor continued to massage her feet. He looked up at her. “You do look terrible.”
“Thank you.” River said sarcastically.
“I think we should go home.”
“But what happened to ‘the night’s just getting started’?” River inquired.
“If there is one thing we all know in this world, it’s that there will most certainly be ten or twenty other weddings to go to soon enough. Besides I won’t be able to have any fun when I know you’re not having any.”
River smiled at him, and kissed his cheek. “Ok, let’s go before they play ‘Copacabana’ and you change your mind.”
Ianto was in agony. Hearing Mickey and Rose’s sex noises was bad enough, but what he thought was a regular closet was just a small water closet with a sink but no toilet. He was crouched atop the sink. Rose continued to grind down slowly on top of Mickey over and over again. Mickey was throwing his head about and moaning for dear life and making animal noises. The closet door started to creak open. Ianto tried to reach for it, but couldn’t quite make it. Rose was gasping and laughing.
Ianto managed to find a way to sit on the tiny edge of the sink. He checked his watch and wondered when this nightmare wedding would end. Time seemed to slow to a crawl.
“So good!” Mickey shouted. Rose was kissing all over his face and leaving bright red lipstick marks all over. “Oh! Ho-ho-ho-ho!”
More minutes ticked by. Ianto was twisted around and laid down with his head practically squished against the back wall. Now it was like they were both having a spastic fit. Rose was going super fast and Mickey moving up and down repeatedly on the bed.
“Ohhhhhhh!” Mickey shouted, as he obviously climaxed. “I love my wife!”
Ianto closed his eyes and grimaced, trying to forget this ever happened.
“And I love my husband! Oh!” Rose moaned and leaned towards Mickey.
Mickey lifted his head up, breathing heavily. “Do you think we’d better be getting back?”
“We could just wait a few minutes, and have another go!” Rose giggled.
Ianto’s eyes shot open at this. No way could he sit through another round of that.
“Naughty, naughty little rabbit!” Mickey teased, rubbing his nose against Rose’s.
Ianto made a quick, decision then and there. He grabbed something out of the closet and hopped down. Rose gasped as she spotted Ianto. Mickey followed her gaze. Ianto waved at them jovially, as if everything was normal. He waved a red pencil at them. “Found it.”Rose and Mickey just stared, slack-jawed at him.
Backing out of the room quickly, Ianto shut the door. Instantly, he felt someone grab his shoulder. “Ianto! Ianto, we must talk.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake. Just give me a gun already, any gun will do,” Ianto thought. Gwen quickly got right up close to him. Ianto simply nodded and said, “Right. Right.”
“The thing is, Ianto, I’ve spoken to lots of people about you…”
“Oh, God…”
“And everybody agrees you’re in real trouble, Ianto.” Gwen said dramatically.
“Am I?” Ianto ran his hands through his hair.
Gwen looked down, wringing her hands. “You see, you’re turning into a kind of serial monogamist. One girlfriend after another, yet you’ll never really love anyone because you never let them near you.”
“On the contrary…” Ianto tried to defend himself.
“You’re affectionate to them and sweet to them.”
“Right,” Ianto agreed.
Gwen looked into his eyes nervously. “You were even sweet to me even though you thought I was an idiot.”
“I did not.” Ianto denied adamantly.
“You did.” Gwen insisted. “I thought U2 was a type of submarine.”
“In a way, you were right. Their music has a very naval quality.”
Gwen looked at him sternly. “Be serious, Ianto! You must give people a chance! You don’t have to think ‘I must get married’, but you mustn’t start every relationship thinking ‘I mustn’t get married.’
Ianto shook his head, stammering, “Gwen, you know me. Most of the time I don’t think at all. I just potter…potter along.”
All of a sudden Gwen launched herself at him. Holding Ianto close and running her fingers through his hair. “Oh, Ianto! Oh, God! The way you used to look at me!” Ianto pat her on the back. Just then, Mickey opened the door and stared at the scene before him. Ianto waved a hand at him, indicating now wasn’t the best time and Mickey shut the door. Gwen continued, practically wailing. “I just misread it, that’s all. All the time, I thought you were going to propose and all the time you were just working out how to leave!”
“No, no I wasn’t.”
Gwen broke away from him. “Oh, God, this is ridiculous.” She wiped her nose as she walked away.
“Gwen…” Ianto called to her.
“No.”
“No…Gwen…Gwen…”
“No,” Gwen shouted.
“Gwen…”
“Having a good night?”
Ianto was surprised to see Jack behind him and took a breath to collect himself. “Yes. It’s…it’s right up there with my father’s funeral for sheer entertainment value. Ianto blinked wearily at him. “I thought you’d gone.”
“No. John had to travel into the city. I’m off now.” Jack began to walk off, but turned back to Ianto. “Keep me company?”
They shared a cab and there was a long stretch of time where neither of them spoke. Ianto kept stealing glances at Jack, not quite sure what was going on in Jack’s head and desperately wanting to find out. Jack was the first to speak. “I met a lot of your friends at dinner.”
“Yes, they’re a strange-looking bunch, I know. But, on the whole, nice personalities, I think.”
Jack laughed lightly. “Did you meet each other at college?”
Ianto nodded. “Mainly. Owen, River, and I were there together. The Doctor was a professor, but he was asked to leave after he published a controversial essay called King Lear: Grandpa Goes Gaga.”
Jack practically snorted with laughter at that. “Wow, what a character.”
“Yes, there really is no one like him out there. This is probably best for the survival of humanity.” Ianto joked.
“What about Rory?” Jack questioned.
“Rory is River’s brother. Even though their family has more money than God, he worked as the Doctor’s teaching assistant for awhile. That’s really how he and River got to know each other.”
Jack nodded along, “Interesting...” He turned to the taxi driver. “Here, please.” Turning to Ianto, he nonchalantly asked, “You wanna come up for a nightcap?”
Ianto hesitated. “You sure?”
Jack smiled and in a teasing manner said, “Well, yes, I think we can risk it. You’re not that cute.”
Ianto smiled sheepishly. “Sorry…Yeah, great.”
“I have a lot of willpower, you know.” Jack gave him a sideways glance. “Oh, who am I kidding?” He launched himself at Ianto, pressing him up against the door and capturing his lips in a heated kiss.
*****Clothes were strewn haphazardly all over Jack’s hotel room. Jack and Ianto were both awake, staring into each other’s eyes. Jack was stroking Ianto’s chest absently. Ianto felt more at peace than he had in a very long time. For just a moment, Ianto managed to bury all of his doubts and insecurities and forget about the real world and any problems they faced. It felt like he and Jack were the only two people in the world. It was on the tip of his tongue to tell Jack how he really felt. But he just couldn’t do it. Unfortunately, he couldn’t bury his doubts for long. He couldn’t risk putting his heart on the line. But it tore his heart to pieces, thinking of Jack marrying John and never having another chance to have a moment like this. He sighed and looked away.
After Jack fell asleep again, Ianto quietly got dressed. He put his coat on near the bedroom door and looked down and caught Jack watching him. Jack looked just as heartbroken as Ianto did. Ianto couldn’t understand why Jack would be marrying another man. Not when he was looking at him like that. Ianto smiled at Jack one last time before turning to leave.
Author: GeekSlave
Prompt: Four Weddings and a Funeral
Rating: R
Warnings: Language, cheating, character death
Spoilers: For Torchwood series 1 & 2 and Doctor Who series 5 &6
Summary: When bachelor Ianto Jones attends a friend’s wedding, he unexpectedly meets the potential man of his dreams.
Characters/Pairings: Ianto Jones/Jack Harkness, River Song/The Doctor, Rory Williams/Amy Pond, Toshiko Sato/Owen Harper, Toshiko Sato/Tommy Brockless, Jack Harkness/John Hart, Ianto Jones/Gwen Cooper, Rhiannon Jones/Johnny Davies, Rose Tyler/Mickey Smith, Andy Davidson, Wilfred Mott, Estelle Cole, Donna Noble, Rhys Williams, Suzie Costello, Martha Jones, Lisa Hallet
Disclaimer: The characters of Torchwood and Doctor Who belong to the BBC. The characters and screenplay for Four Weddings and a Funeral belong to 20th Century Fox, MGM, and Richard Curtis
Author’s Notes: Written for the reel_Torchwood challenge, round 4. Huge thank you to my betas,
janiemc, for making sure my grammar was gooder and for britpicking, and jolinarjackson for support and advice giving. This is my first attempt at any kind of challenge or Jack/Ianto fanfic. Any comments-complimentary or constructive- will be much appreciated. Title taken from line in WH Auden poem "Funeral Blues" used in the movie.Part 2
Three Months Later
“FUCK!” Ianto rushed into Amy’s room and shook her awake.
“Mm?” Amy looked at the clock and grimaced. “Fuck!”
Once again there was a mad dash to get ready as they tripped over themselves getting dressed, gathered their keys and rushed out the door. And of course there was more swearing. “Fuck! Fuckity fuck!” Ianto exclaimed as they went down the stairs.
“Car or taxi?” Amy said as she tried to gather up her bridesmaid dress to keep from tripping. The dress had clear lace puffy sleeves and the overlay was peach taffeta that lead to a full hoop skirt with a big bow in the back.
“Taxi. We could never park.” Ianto said as they ran down the sidewalk. They ran out to a crossing point at the busy main street. They looked around for a taxi but there were none in sight. “Car seems a good idea.” Amy nodded.
They ran to her car and were horrified to find a clamp on it. Amy groaned as she thought of all the parking fines she hadn’t paid. “Fuck.”
Their only option was to run. As they got closer to the church the bow on the back of Amy’s dress fell off. “Uh, uh, your…”
“Leave it! No one will notice.”
They got to the church and Ianto raced inside. Amy made to follow him, until she noticed the limo at the front of the steps which the other bridesmaid and bride were getting out of. She raced over as the bridesmaids were lining up and slid in undetected.
Inside the church, River waved Ianto over to where she and the rest of his friends were seated. They didn’t bat an eyelash at his late arrival. “Well,” Ianto exhaled. Sorry I’m late. Traffic.” He looked over and saw none of them were buying his excuse. He sighed. “Yeah…Who is it today?”
Everyone, including Ianto, had been a bit surprised when Mickey Smith and Rose Tyler had announced their engagement so quickly. No one had really seen it coming when they started dating, given that they had been friends since childhood and Rose seemed to treat him like one of the girls more than anything else. But their night together after Rhiannon and Johnny’s wedding changed everything. They hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other ever since and they fell madly in love. They were lucky that Rose’s father was so wealthy that they could throw together a lavish wedding in a few short months.
As Father Andy Davidson came out and walked toward the front altar, he clutched his bible and thumbed through it again as if he’d never read it before. He look towards the congregation and gulped. He closed his eyes and practically chanted the opening lines so he wouldn’t forget them again.
A nervous Rory sat next to Mickey in the front pew. He had never been a best man before and was determined not to mess anything up. He turned to look at his friends and waved at Ianto. Ianto smiled and waved back. He finally had a great chance to tease Ianto, so he took out the rings and held them in front of his eyes. Ianto acknowledged the joke with a nod.
The wedding coordinator was in the back making sure everything was ready for the bride to make her entrance, while the Rose’s other bridesmaid, Sarah Jane, fluffed out Rose’s skirt so it would trail nicely behind her as she walked down the aisle. Rose fiddled with the tiara attached to her veil. The organ began to play “The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba” as Rose’s father Peter escorted her down the aisle. The rest of the attendants followed. As Amy and Sarah Jane were the last two in line, no one noticed that because of the missing bow the dress didn’t close in the back and Amy’s bright blue underwear was displayed for all to see. There were a few titters from the crowd, but nothing too noticeable. Ianto had an urge to go up there and help Amy fix the dress. But he wasn’t sure how the dress could be fixed, so he remained seated. Amy didn’t embarrass easily. Ianto had a feeling she’d probably laugh about it.
Andy continued to fidget nervously as he waited for the bride. He played with his hat and the chasuble, constantly adjusting it on his shoulders.
Rory stood at the altar, straight as an arrow, trying to be as solemn as possible. As Amy walked past him and took her place next to him, he noticed her underwear was exposed and gaped, his eye practically popping out of his head. He bent towards her slightly and whispered in her ear, “Amy, I don’t want to alarm you but your...your bu…bu…backside seems to be exposed.”
Amy twisted a little and looked behind her. “Well, what do you know. You’re right. I thought it was a little drafty back there.” And that was all she said as she turned back to look towards the front of the church.
Rory was still a little taken aback, but smiled. He didn’t know how Amy could be so fearless he thought it was amazing.
As Rose stood next to Mickey, Andy realized he should take his hat off and hesitated, wondering where best to leave it. Finally, he quickly put it down to the right of his feet and stood up. The organ stopped playing as he began to speak, “In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”
The congregation repeats after him, “Amen.”
“Let us pray. “ Everyone bowed their heads. “Father, you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery, a symbol of Christ’s love for his church. Hear our prayers for Michael and Rose through your son, Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Goat…” Andy sputtered as he realized his faux pas. “Uh…uh, Ghost.”
Pete Tyler looked at his wife Jackie perplexed. But he shrugged; figuring one mistake wasn’t too bad.
Andy continued, “One God, forever and ever. Amen.”
Owen turned to Ianto in glee. “It’s his first time. He’s a friend of the family.”
“Ah, excellent!” Ianto beamed as he turned back to the proceedings.
“Michael and Rose, I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage. Michael, repeat after me.” Mickey nodded nervously. “I do solemnly declare…”
“I do solemnly declare…” Mickey repeated.
“…that I know not of any lawful impediment.”
“…that I know not of any lawful impediment.”
“…why I, Rose…”
Mickey looked at Andy in confusion. “…why I, Michael…”
Andy just stared at him blankly. There were a few laughs in the congregation. Realizing his mistake, he looked down in embarrassment. He tried to enunciate more clearly. “Sorry…why I, Michael Godfrey Saint John Smith…”
“…why I, Michael Geoffrey St… John Smith…”
Sweat was pouring down Andy’s face. He decided to quickly move on from his last verbal gaffe. “…may not be joined in matrimony to Rose Martin Tyler.”
The smile on Rose’s face fell slightly. She looked to Mickey to correct Father Andy yet again.
“…may not be joined in matrimony to Rose Marion Tyler.”
Andy still looked confused. He looked quickly between Rose and Mickey before turning his full attention to Rose. “Rose, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare…”
“I do solemnly declare…”
“…that I know not of any lawful impediment…”
Andy was starting to smile, thinking he had finally gotten the hang of things. “…why I, Rose Marion Tyler…”
“…why I, Rose Marion Tyler…”
“…may not be johned in matrimony…”
Rose cocked her head to the side. “…may not be joined in matrimony…”
Andy shook his head up and down quickly acknowledging his mistake. “…to Michael Geoffrey Sidd…Siddun…Smith.”
Rose corrected him. “…to Michael Geoffrey St. John Smith.”
Amy was shaking with laughter and had to muffle the noise by hiding her face in her bouquet. Ianto had to cover his whole face to cover his huge smile and laughter. Mickey’s grandmother did not look amused.
Andy joined Mickey and Rose’s hands. “I call upon those persons here present to witness…”
Mickey repeats after him once more. “I call upon those persons here present to witness…”
“…that I, Michael…” he paused trying to work out how to pronounce Mickey’s middle names once again. Mickey was sweating and his lip quivered as he waited for Andy to finish. “…Smith.”
Mickey heaved a heavy sigh. “…that I, Michael Smith.”
“…do take thee, Rose Marion Tyler…”
Mickey was beaming now that they were almost done. “…do take thee, Rose Marion Tyler…”
Andy looked triumphant. “…to be my awful wedded wife.”
Rose bit her lip and closed her eyes. There were more titters in the congregation.
“…to be my lawful wedded wife.” Mickey said patiently.
“That’s ri…That’s right.” Andy exclaimed. “May Almighty God bless you all. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spigot…Spirit.” Andy sputtered to a close.
“Amen,” everyone in the congregation chanted.
“Bravo!” The Doctor shouted loudly.
Everyone clapped. Andy looked crestfallen as he closed his bible. Rose just laughed in relief. Mickey let out a few, deep breaths and leaned over and kissed his new wife on the cheek. They looked back at Andy and smiled at him, showing there were no hard feelings. Andy started to relax a little and looked out at the congregation with a small smile on his face.
*****
The Doctor walked up to Owen and Ianto and put his arm around both of them. “I’ve got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day they run out of conversation.”
“Uh huh,” Ianto replied trying to keep up with where the Doctor might be going with this.
“Totally. They can’t think of a single thing to say to each other. That’s it! Panic! Then suddenly, it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.” He takes a long dramatic pause.
Ianto pours him some champagne. “Which is?”
“He’ll ask her to marry him.” The Doctor says simply, as if it was obvious.
“Brilliant! Brilliant!” Ianto says sarcastically.
The Doctor continues. “Suddenly, they’ve got something to talk about for the rest of their lives!”
“Basically, you’re saying that marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.”
The Doctor nodded his head vigorously. “The definitive icebreaker!” Rory walked up to them, looking rather pleased. “Rory! How’s the speech coming along?”
“It’s pretty good, I think. Something for everyone. Tears, laughter…” He nodded confidently as he walked away.
The Doctor laughed loudly. “Excellent!”
Ianto picked up their previous conversation. “Well, I think it’s a very good theory, Doctor.”
Owen piped in. “Well there is another argument, of course. That it has something to do with true love.”
Ianto looked serious for a moment. “Well, there’s a thought.”
“Not saying I believe it, mind you,” Owen shrugged. “Just something I’ve heard.”
A few minutes later Ianto went out to the courtyard where they were serving drinks. “Can I help you, sir?” The waiter by the drink table asked.
“Can I have three glasses of brandy, please?” As he waited he felt someone lean in close.
“Hi,” a familiar, welcome voice whispered in Ianto’s ear.
Quickly turning around, Ianto was shocked and enormously pleased to see Captain Jack Harkness standing in front of him. He was without his great coat. He was wearing a simple black suit jacket over a black silk shirt and no tie. He looked heavenly. “Hello!”
Jack smiled. “How are you?
“Fine! Fine!” Ianto couldn’t stop staring and smiling. It looked like someone had put a fish hook in his mouth. “Yeah…Sorry. I’m…I’m overwhelmed to see you.” He ran his hand nervously through his hair as Jack kept smiling at him. “Um…Look, don’t go back to America. Please.” He grabbed his drinks. “I’ll be back in two secs.”
“Ok.”
Jack quickly ran back into the ballroom. He passed River in her customary black. “Hi, Riv.” He sailed passed her and handed Owen and the Doctor their drinks. “That’s yours. That’s yours. See you in five hours.”
“Something happened?” The Doctor asked.
Ianto rubbed his hands together in excitement. “It has a bit. This is a bloody great wedding!” He ran back outside and took the steps two at a time reaching Jack in record time. “Well, you look perfect. In fact, you probably are perfect. Well, how are you?”
Jack looked down briefly. “I’m really well.” He turned around and looked behind him. “Ianto, I’d like you to me John Hart, my fiancé.”
Ianto stared shell-shocked as a brunette man, with ridiculously sculpted cheekbones, walked towards him. He supposed it was his jealousy taking over but he immediately sensed the man was an arrogant prick. He tried to cover his devastation. “Excellent! Excellent. How do you do, John? Delighted to meet you. Charming surprise to find Jack back in the country.”
“Yes, well, took a lot of persuading, I can tell you.” He smirked and looked at Jack. “Come on, babe, I told James I was going to get you.” He walked passed Ianto and took Jack’s hand. “He’ll begin to think I’ve totally lost control of you already.”
Jack laughed, though Ianto thought it sounded forced. Jack turned back to Ianto. “I’ll see you later.” John dragged him away.
Ianto turned and looked out at the happy crowd, unseeing, lost in his own thoughts. He wondered what the hell had just happened and how his life could take such a steep, depressing nosedive so quickly.
Owen found Ianto a little bit later, still lost in thought, sitting in a corner of the ballroom. “How are you doing, Ianto?”
“Not great, actually…suddenly.” He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “I don’t know…I mean, um…what the hell’s going on here? Why am I always at weddings and never actually getting married, Owen?”
Owen sat down next to him. “It’s probably because you’re a bit scruffy. Also you’re a bit of an idiot, mate. But I think girls kind of like that about you. I could never get away with half the things you do.” Owen laughed genially. “Or it could also be ‘cause you haven’t met the right girl.”
Ianto laughed mirthlessly at that, especially that last word. “Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe…maybe girls aren’t the problem…I don’t know.” He bowed his hand and ran his hands roughly through his hair. “Maybe it’s me.”
Owen clapped him on the back. “Nonsense.”
“My lords, ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served,” the Master of Ceremonies, in his bright red suit jacket, red vest and blue ribbon with medal announced.
“Come on. Odds on, you meet your wife at dinner.” Owen said, getting up.
‘Not bloody likely.’ Ianto thought. But he decided to try and muddle through with a brave face. “Yes!” He said aloud.
They walked into the large and opulent dining room and looked to a large framed board where the seating arrangements were placed. Owen spotted where he was to be seated but waited for Ianto behind him. Ianto looked at the board and did a double take. He stared at the board in horror. “Oh, my God!”
He ran off without explaining anything to Owen. “Ianto?” He called after him and glanced at the board.
Ianto slowly walked to his doom. As he arrived he tried to put a smile on his face. “Hi.” He said a little too loudly.
“Hello,” a blonde haired man got up and offered his hand. “Hello. I’m Jake.”
Ianto shook his hand. “Great.”
Jake turned to his date. “And I believe you know Suzie.”
Ianto nodded uncomfortably. “Yeah. Hi, Suze. Hi.” He looked at another woman at the table, a dark-skinned beauty in an elegant blue dress. “Martha.” He looked to his right, at the somewhat older woman, her hair in an elegant French twist. He just stared at her quickly, not knowing what to say. He looked down at the table. “Great.”
River was seated at her table waiting for The Doctor and everyone else to arrive. She was seated next to an older woman in a black hat with blue bow on the front and a blue dress with black stripes, and a big black bow that tied the collar together. River wasn’t sure, but believed her name to be Estelle. She was purposefully ignoring her, but was trying not to be rude or obvious about it.
“Tell me, are you married?” The woman inevitably said.
River was more than used to the question and answered blankly, “No.”
“Are you a lesbian?”
River winced uncomfortably and her eyes bulged slightly. “Good Lord!” She scratched her hair nervously.
“Um…Well, what made you say that?”
Estelle shrugged. “It’s one of the possibilities for unmarried girls. It is a bit more interesting than saying ‘just never found the right chap’, eh?”
Nodding River smiled at the woman, “Quite right. Why be dull?”
Estelle returned the smile. “Thank you.”
Estelle continued to look at River. River, having used the tactic before, was sure the woman wouldn’t stop until River spoke up. River looked behind her to see if the Doctor was on his way. She turned back and Estelle stole another glance at her. “Truth is I have met the right man. He’s amazing and special and I know there’s no one on Earth I’d rather be with. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to be the marrying type. “
“Bad luck!” Estelle replied sadly.
“I suppose.” River shrugged. “It’s not really so terrible. Marriage isn’t everything.”
Estelle looked at her skeptically.
After a slight pause, River turned to her again. “I was a lesbian once at school, but only for about 15 minutes. So, I don’t think it counts.”
A few minutes later the Doctor, Owen, and Jack (minus John) all arrived at the table together. Ianto watched as Jack was telling stories that had the whole table laughing uproariously. Seething with jealousy and wishing he was elsewhere, Ianto barely heard any of the inane chatter going on.
“There are 400 different kinds of tea, and that’s not including all these so-called fruit teas.” Jake scoffed. “I took Suzie out to India at Christmas to look at the plantations.”
“Ah, excellent,” Ianto said, finally paying attention.
“I believe you and her went out there once.” Jake replied.
Ianto smiled tensely. “That’s right.”
“Ianto was vile. He insisted on cracking jokes all the time I was ill.” Suzie said looking at Ianto coldly.
“Trying to cheer you up, Suze.” Ianto defended lamely.
Martha perked up at this turn in the conversation. “Oh, you’re that Suzie!”
“Which Suzie?” She turned to Ianto in alarm. “Ianto?”
Ianto just scratched his head in confusion.
Martha explained. “When Ianto and I were going out, he told me he’d had this…interesting journey round India with Spewing Suzie. I think that was it.” Jake put his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.
Ianto tried to laugh it off. “I don’t remember ever mentioning it. Maybe…maybe I did.”
Another dark-skinned beauty at the table, Lisa, spoke up. “Oh, come on, Ianto! I don’t think I’ve ever been out with anyone less discreet.”
Ianto sputtered indignantly. “That’s probably a bit of an exaggeration, isn’t it, Lis?”
“It is not!” Martha exclaimed.
Lisa chimed in again. “I remember you going on about this girl Gwen, was it, whose mother made a pass at you.”
Suzie squealed in excitement. “I remember this! You couldn’t work out whether it would be impolite not to accept her advances!” Everyone at the table started giggling uncontrollably.
“That’s right. Mrs. Piggy!” Martha contributed. “Gwen was Miss Piggy, so her mother was Mrs. Piggy!”
Everyone’s guffawing grew even louder. Ianto was laughing nervously, dying a little inside. He tried to cover, “I…I think perhaps it was a…it was a…”
The older woman to his right interrupted him. “We’ve both lost a lot of weight since then.”
Everyone’s laughter died instantly. No one could stomach looking at Gwen’s mother, Mary. Luckily, they were all saved anymore awkwardness when the sound of a wine glass being tapped reverberated through the hall. Ianto quickly turned toward the front of the room. “Ah, great! The speeches.”
The Master of Ceremonies appeared at the end of the table with the bride, groom, family, and attendants. “My lords, ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for the best man.”
Everyone applauded. Rory, seated next to Father Andy and Amy, stood up. Rose tapped her glass with a spoon lightly. Rory started his speech, looking down at a single piece of paper. “Uh…when Mickey told me he was getting engaged to Rose, I congratulated him because all his other girlfriends had been such complete dogs.” He chuckled.
Rose was the only one who laughed. Mickey squeezed her hand, looking decidedly not amused, as did her father.
“Although may I say how delighted we are to have so many of them here today.” Rory continued uncomfortably. The Doctor barked with laughter. “I’m particularly delighted to see Camilla,” he waved to her, “who many of you will probably remember as the first person Mickey asked to marry him.” Crickets. “If I remember rightly, she told him to sod off!” The Doctor once again was the only one who laughed. Everyone else looked confused, angry, or embarrassed. “And lucky for Rose that she did.” The Doctor cackled. Jack and Owen were smiling as well.
Later River, Owen, Amy, and The Doctor were sitting in a large, golden high backed sofa in the middle of the lobby. Ianto was standing next to them when he saw Pete Tyler coming out of the ballroom scolding Rory, who was trailing behind him miserably. “It’s very disappointing!” Amy squeezed his hand as he walked passed.
The Doctor was smoking. “We had the most fascinating man at our table called Captain Jack Harkness. Apparently his fiancé’s awfully grand and owns his own jet.” He swiveled his head to look at Ianto. “How are you?”
Ianto rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh, well, I seem to be stuck in the wedding from hell. Ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn. Next thing you know I’ll bump into Gwen and the horror will be complete.”
“Hello, Ianto.” A soft female voice said from behind him. All of his friends cringed.
Ianto turned smoothly to face her. “Hello, Gwen. How are you?”
Gwen looked at him with big doe eyes. She started to speak but immediately dissolved into tears.
“Oh, Gwen…”
Her mother appeared at her side and took her arm. “Why can’t you just leave her alone? Haven’t you hurt her enough?” Gwen continued to sob as her mother led her away.
Somberly, Ianto turned to his friends. “Excuse me. I think I’d better be where other people are not.”
Tommy Brockless stood at the entrance to the ballroom, scanning the crowd for one particular person. Owen walked over to him. “She’s over by the drink table.”
Startled, Tommy jumped. “Oh, sorry! I’m a little nervous.”
“There’s no reason to be. Tosh is the sweetest person in the world. She won’t bite…not unless you ask her to. Then it can get a bit dicey.” Owen joked.
Tommy laughed. “Thanks.” He walked over to the drink table. He steeled himself and went over to her. He tapped her on the shoulder and when she turned around, he waved. “Hello.” Then he slowly signed, “I’m T-O-M-M-Y.”
Tosh smiled and waved. “Hello.”
Tommy took out a page of notes. “I’m just learning. I’m probably naking tols of nistakes.”
Tosh shook her head and waved her hands. “No-perfect.” She gave him the “ok” gesture with her hand. “Perfect.”
Tommy sighed, and smiled broadly at her.
Tosh looked out at the dance floor. “Would you like to dance?”
“Yes!” Tommy exclaimed. He nodded and signed, “That would be…mice.”
Tosh couldn’t help giggling. She pointed to the dance floor, and Tommy led then out there.
Owen found himself at his table again, all alone. Then Estelle wandered over and sat down beside her. She hadn’t said much all night, but Owen definitely got the impression that she was a bit nosy. Owen took a sip of his champagne and almost choked when the older woman asked, “Are you gay?”
Owen swallowed. “Good Lord, woman! Do you always begin conversations this way?”
“No. But this has seemed to work out well for me tonight, so I thought I’d try again…So, are you?” She said with no embarrassment whatsoever.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but no. I’ve just got out of a relationship recently.” He looked at her and added, “With a woman.”
Estelle nodded. “Why did the relationship end?”
Owen just stared at her. She stared back at him. He shook his head. “You know I can’t wait to get older, so I can ask incredibly invasive questions without getting punched in the face for it.”
Estelle laughed. “Does that happen to you often?”
“Occasionally.” Owen answered. After a slight pause, he said, “She thought I was in love with someone else.” At Estelle’s blank look he elaborated, “My ex-girlfriend.”
“Ah,” Estelle replied. “And were you?”
Looking down at the table, Owen sighed, “Yeah…I have been for awhile. I’m tough, I’ll get over it. It’s just taking a bit longer than I expected.”
Estelle looked at him sadly. “You know…I haven’t got drunk in a really long time. Shall we?” She looked at Owen.
Owen smirked. “I don’t see why not.”
Rory plopped down in the high back chair, still sulking over his speech going over like a lead balloon. He felt like he’d done everything Ianto had done for his best man speech, and yet somehow he got it all wrong. He felt like he was always getting things wrong and making huge mistakes. He was startled from his thoughts when he noticed Amy waving a hand in his face. He didn’t know how long she had been doing that for.
“Earth to Rory.”
“Sorry, Amy. Didn’t notice you there.” Rory moved over slightly so Amy could sit next to him.
“I’ll try not to be offended at that.” Rory smiled at her. “You know it wasn’t that bad.” Rory looked at her confused. “Your speech. I thought it was funny.”
“Then why didn’t you laugh? If it wasn’t for the Doctor that room would have been as silent as a graveyard.”
“Well…” Amy took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I think…some of those jokes were real thinkers. You had to really let it settle in and then you’ll realize how funny it is. For some people it just takes a really, really, really long time to get it.” Amy cringed at how lame that sounded.
Rory looked down and sighed. He looked back at Amy hopefully, “You really think so?”
“Yeah.”
He put his head on Amy’s shoulder. “Thanks, Amy.”
Ianto was still wandering around aimlessly. Walking through the hallway he noticed a group of women giggling, coming out of the courtroom. They weren’t ex-girlfriends but he was in no mood to deal with anyone, especially women, right now. He dashed into an empty room. The room was dark but he made his way to the window. He sighed and looked out at the sky. When he looked down he saw the Doctor and Jack talking. They were interrupted by Jack’s fiancé, John. The Doctor said goodnight and left. John hailed a taxi. He and Jack laughed together and got into the taxi and left. Ianto turned and leaned his head against the window, closing his eyes. He was startled when he heard the front door open and two figures clumsily stumble inside. It was the bride and groom. They were too busy making out to notice Ianto.
Mickey tore his jacket off. “Oh, God! This is wonderful.” Rose pushed him down on the bed, giggling, and climbing on top of him immediately.
Ianto tried to discretely hide behind the curtain, while Rose writhed on top of her new husband.
“Please!” Rose squealed. They both moaned. Ianto tried to take advantage of their obvious preoccupation and inch towards the door. It was dark enough; they shouldn’t be able to spot him. Rose stopped moving. “Wait a minute, wait a minute. This is no fun! I want to see my lovely husband!” She reached over and tugged the lamp string, filling the room with bright light. They started writhing once again.
Ianto was frozen like a deer in headlights, not knowing what to do. He frantically looked all around the room, finally spotting a closet he may be able to make his way towards. He inched closer and closer, trying to ignore the sounds the newlyweds were making and the way Rose kept moving up and down. He opened the closet door and started to climb in. Before he shut the door he heard Rose exclaim, “Who’s a very bad bridegroom indeed.”
Out in the ballroom, everyone was dancing happily to a mid-tempo song. Rory was practically crushing bridesmaid, Sarah Jane’s feet, and clumsily lurching forward. Under a nearby table, Amy and one of the flower girls, Mica were dancing along with their hands and giggling. “Have you got a boyfriend?” Amy asked.
“Yes. “ The little girl answered simply.
“What’s his name?
“Dolph. He’s good at table tennis. What about you?”
“No. Afraid not. “
“Why not?” Mica asked sadly.
“Don’t know.” Amy said, thinking. “Because most of the blokes I fancy think I’m stupid and pointless, so they just bonk me and then leave me…and the kinds of blokes that do fancy me, I think are drips. I can’t even be bothered to bonk them…which does leave me a bit nowhere. Honestly, most of the men I date are as stupid and pointless as they find me. But they’re just so pretty. But that’s not what I want anymore. I want someone who isn’t as shallow as a mud puddle. I want someone who’s sweet and…beautiful. I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone like that.”
Mica stuck her head out from under the table. “What about him?”
Amy stuck her head out, too. “Who?” Amy looked to where the little girl was pointing. “Who? Rory? No. I couldn’t be with Rory. Rory’s…Rory.”
Mica shrugged. “He’s very sweet. He let me dance on his feet for two dances. And I think he’s handsome.”
Amy continued to stare. “He is sweet.” Amy laughed as Sarah Jane rubbed her foot where Rory had stepped on it yet again. “Maybe…”
“Miss Pond…” Mica interrupted.
Amy looked back at her. “Yeah?”
“What’s bonking?”
Amy bit her lip. “Well, it’s kind of like table tennis, only with slightly smaller balls.”
River took her shoes off as she sat down at a nearby table. “No more. I can’t dance another second.”
“Oh come on, the night’s just getting started.” The Doctor exclaimed.
River raised an eyebrow at him. “Tell that to my feet.”
The Doctor sat down next to her, and took her feet in his hands, rubbing them. River stifled a moan. That definitely felt heavenly. “This wouldn’t happen you know if you would just wear what I suggested.”
River rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry, sweetie but high top sneakers don’t really go with this dress.”
The Doctor continued to massage her feet. He looked up at her. “You do look terrible.”
“Thank you.” River said sarcastically.
“I think we should go home.”
“But what happened to ‘the night’s just getting started’?” River inquired.
“If there is one thing we all know in this world, it’s that there will most certainly be ten or twenty other weddings to go to soon enough. Besides I won’t be able to have any fun when I know you’re not having any.”
River smiled at him, and kissed his cheek. “Ok, let’s go before they play ‘Copacabana’ and you change your mind.”
Ianto was in agony. Hearing Mickey and Rose’s sex noises was bad enough, but what he thought was a regular closet was just a small water closet with a sink but no toilet. He was crouched atop the sink. Rose continued to grind down slowly on top of Mickey over and over again. Mickey was throwing his head about and moaning for dear life and making animal noises. The closet door started to creak open. Ianto tried to reach for it, but couldn’t quite make it. Rose was gasping and laughing.
Ianto managed to find a way to sit on the tiny edge of the sink. He checked his watch and wondered when this nightmare wedding would end. Time seemed to slow to a crawl.
“So good!” Mickey shouted. Rose was kissing all over his face and leaving bright red lipstick marks all over. “Oh! Ho-ho-ho-ho!”
More minutes ticked by. Ianto was twisted around and laid down with his head practically squished against the back wall. Now it was like they were both having a spastic fit. Rose was going super fast and Mickey moving up and down repeatedly on the bed.
“Ohhhhhhh!” Mickey shouted, as he obviously climaxed. “I love my wife!”
Ianto closed his eyes and grimaced, trying to forget this ever happened.
“And I love my husband! Oh!” Rose moaned and leaned towards Mickey.
Mickey lifted his head up, breathing heavily. “Do you think we’d better be getting back?”
“We could just wait a few minutes, and have another go!” Rose giggled.
Ianto’s eyes shot open at this. No way could he sit through another round of that.
“Naughty, naughty little rabbit!” Mickey teased, rubbing his nose against Rose’s.
Ianto made a quick, decision then and there. He grabbed something out of the closet and hopped down. Rose gasped as she spotted Ianto. Mickey followed her gaze. Ianto waved at them jovially, as if everything was normal. He waved a red pencil at them. “Found it.”Rose and Mickey just stared, slack-jawed at him.
Backing out of the room quickly, Ianto shut the door. Instantly, he felt someone grab his shoulder. “Ianto! Ianto, we must talk.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake. Just give me a gun already, any gun will do,” Ianto thought. Gwen quickly got right up close to him. Ianto simply nodded and said, “Right. Right.”
“The thing is, Ianto, I’ve spoken to lots of people about you…”
“Oh, God…”
“And everybody agrees you’re in real trouble, Ianto.” Gwen said dramatically.
“Am I?” Ianto ran his hands through his hair.
Gwen looked down, wringing her hands. “You see, you’re turning into a kind of serial monogamist. One girlfriend after another, yet you’ll never really love anyone because you never let them near you.”
“On the contrary…” Ianto tried to defend himself.
“You’re affectionate to them and sweet to them.”
“Right,” Ianto agreed.
Gwen looked into his eyes nervously. “You were even sweet to me even though you thought I was an idiot.”
“I did not.” Ianto denied adamantly.
“You did.” Gwen insisted. “I thought U2 was a type of submarine.”
“In a way, you were right. Their music has a very naval quality.”
Gwen looked at him sternly. “Be serious, Ianto! You must give people a chance! You don’t have to think ‘I must get married’, but you mustn’t start every relationship thinking ‘I mustn’t get married.’
Ianto shook his head, stammering, “Gwen, you know me. Most of the time I don’t think at all. I just potter…potter along.”
All of a sudden Gwen launched herself at him. Holding Ianto close and running her fingers through his hair. “Oh, Ianto! Oh, God! The way you used to look at me!” Ianto pat her on the back. Just then, Mickey opened the door and stared at the scene before him. Ianto waved a hand at him, indicating now wasn’t the best time and Mickey shut the door. Gwen continued, practically wailing. “I just misread it, that’s all. All the time, I thought you were going to propose and all the time you were just working out how to leave!”
“No, no I wasn’t.”
Gwen broke away from him. “Oh, God, this is ridiculous.” She wiped her nose as she walked away.
“Gwen…” Ianto called to her.
“No.”
“No…Gwen…Gwen…”
“No,” Gwen shouted.
“Gwen…”
“Having a good night?”
Ianto was surprised to see Jack behind him and took a breath to collect himself. “Yes. It’s…it’s right up there with my father’s funeral for sheer entertainment value. Ianto blinked wearily at him. “I thought you’d gone.”
“No. John had to travel into the city. I’m off now.” Jack began to walk off, but turned back to Ianto. “Keep me company?”
They shared a cab and there was a long stretch of time where neither of them spoke. Ianto kept stealing glances at Jack, not quite sure what was going on in Jack’s head and desperately wanting to find out. Jack was the first to speak. “I met a lot of your friends at dinner.”
“Yes, they’re a strange-looking bunch, I know. But, on the whole, nice personalities, I think.”
Jack laughed lightly. “Did you meet each other at college?”
Ianto nodded. “Mainly. Owen, River, and I were there together. The Doctor was a professor, but he was asked to leave after he published a controversial essay called King Lear: Grandpa Goes Gaga.”
Jack practically snorted with laughter at that. “Wow, what a character.”
“Yes, there really is no one like him out there. This is probably best for the survival of humanity.” Ianto joked.
“What about Rory?” Jack questioned.
“Rory is River’s brother. Even though their family has more money than God, he worked as the Doctor’s teaching assistant for awhile. That’s really how he and River got to know each other.”
Jack nodded along, “Interesting...” He turned to the taxi driver. “Here, please.” Turning to Ianto, he nonchalantly asked, “You wanna come up for a nightcap?”
Ianto hesitated. “You sure?”
Jack smiled and in a teasing manner said, “Well, yes, I think we can risk it. You’re not that cute.”
Ianto smiled sheepishly. “Sorry…Yeah, great.”
“I have a lot of willpower, you know.” Jack gave him a sideways glance. “Oh, who am I kidding?” He launched himself at Ianto, pressing him up against the door and capturing his lips in a heated kiss.
*****
After Jack fell asleep again, Ianto quietly got dressed. He put his coat on near the bedroom door and looked down and caught Jack watching him. Jack looked just as heartbroken as Ianto did. Ianto couldn’t understand why Jack would be marrying another man. Not when he was looking at him like that. Ianto smiled at Jack one last time before turning to leave.