Fic: Stop All the Clocks- Part 3
Dec. 25th, 2011 05:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Author: GeekSlave
Prompt: Four Weddings and a Funeral
Rating: R
Warnings: Language, cheating, character death
Spoilers: For Torchwood series 1 & 2 and Doctor Who series 5 &6
Summary: When bachelor Ianto Jones attends a friend’s wedding, he unexpectedly meets the potential man of his dreams.
Characters/Pairings: Ianto Jones/Jack Harkness, River Song/The Doctor, Rory Williams/Amy Pond, Toshiko Sato/Owen Harper, Toshiko Sato/Tommy Brockless, Jack Harkness/John Hart, Ianto Jones/Gwen Cooper, Rhiannon Jones/Johnny Davies, Rose Tyler/Mickey Smith, Andy Davidson, Wilfred Mott, Estelle Cole, Donna Noble, Rhys Williams, Suzie Costello, Martha Jones, Lisa Hallet
Disclaimer: The characters of Torchwood and Doctor Who belong to the BBC. The characters and screenplay for Four Weddings and a Funeral belong to 20th Century Fox, MGM, and Richard Curtis
Author’s Notes: Written for the reel_Torchwood challenge, round 4. Huge thank you to my betas, janiemc, for making sure my grammar was gooder and for britpicking, and jolinarjackson for support and advice giving. This is my first attempt at any kind of challenge or Jack/Ianto fanfic. Any comments-complimentary or constructive- will be much appreciated. Title taken from line in WH Auden poem Funeral Blues used in the movie.
Part 3
One Month Later
Ianto was enjoying the cool feel of the pillow against his cheek and being able to sleep in when Amy came in carrying a tray with breakfast and his mail on top. “Morning, Ianto. Breakfast’s up.” She set the tray down on his bed.
“Mm.” Ianto moaned.
‘It’s a bit burnt.” Amy picked up a piece of toasting, scrapping burnt flakes off.
“Excellent.”
Amy handed him his mail, while pouring tea. She didn’t make coffee because she knew that Ianto couldn’t stand drinking anyone’s coffee but his own. “What are you up to today?”
“Oh, yeah…” Ianto said sitting up. “I’m taking advantage of the fact that, for the first time in my entire life, it’s Saturday and I don’t have a wedding to go to.” He began perusing through his mail. “All I have to do is not be late for Tosh.”
“I was going to go for a job.” Amy said buttering her toast. “There’s this new shop called Spank that wants a sales assistant. I think I’d be great. They sell all this funny rubber stuff.”
Ianto was only half listening, as he opened one of the envelopes. “Oh, no! Another wedding invitation…and a list. Lovely!” He said with mock joy.
Amy continued, mainly thinking out loud, “They say rubber’s mainly for perverts. Don’t know why. I think it’s very practical, actually. I mean, you spill anything on it and it just comes off. I suppose that could be why the perverts like it.”
While Amy was talking, Ianto looked at the invitation fully and felt like he couldn’t breathe.
“You all right?” Amy asked.
“Yeah, yeah,” Ianto lied. “It’s that bloke, um…Jack. You remember the, uh…The American."
*****
Ordinarily, even on Ianto’s day off he felt more comfortable wearing suits. But after the endless amount of weddings he’d been to recently he didn’t want to waste the opportunity to just be casual. Though it was a chore picking out something to wear since he wasn’t that great at casual. He settled on a form fitting black t-shirt, black jacket, and jeans with a studded belt. Ianto felt weird as soon as he entered the odd, eclectic shop that was on John and Jack’s list. Everything was just a little too much and weird in there. Hesitantly, he approached the shop assistant at her desk. “Uh, excuse me. Do you have the wedding list for Hart?”
“Certainly, sir.” She took out the list and started pointing at items. “Lots of beautiful things for around the 1,000 pound mark.”
Ianto rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh huh.” He glanced at the list. “What about things around sort of the…50 pound mark? Is there much?”
She put her pen down and pointed behind him. “Well, you could get that Pygmy warrior over there.”
Ianto turned around to look at it. It wasn’t his style at all, and he didn’t think it really suited Jack either, but it would certainly make an impression. “This? Excellent!”
“If you could find someone to chip in the other 3,950.” She said curtly. “Or our carrier bags are 1.50 each. Why don’t you just get 33 of them?”
Ianto gritted his teeth, trying to hold back the million retorts in his head. “Well, I think I’ll probably leave it. Thanks very much. You’ve been very, um…some might say rude and horrible but I…yeah, I think that about covers it.” She glowered back at him.
“What did you get?”
Ianto turned around, once again caught off guard by Jack’s arrival. “Blimey! Well, I never! Um…Um…nothing yet.” He answered. “I’m just, you know, deciding.”
Jack smiled. “It’s nice to see you.”
“It’s nice to see you,” Ianto said sincerely. “I see the coat is back. I still like it very much.”
Jack grinned. “Am I going to have to get you and this coat a room?” Ianto chuckled. “You look really good to. Not used to seeing you in something other than a suit. But it’s a good look for you.”
“Thanks.”
Jack looked around the shop. “This present thing is great. I should’ve gotten married years ago.” He turned to the shop assistant. “Did anybody go for the pygmy?”
“The young man was thinking about it…”
Jack chuckled. “Oh, no!” He turned back to Ianto. “The pygmy was John’s idea. Everything always has to be so…excessive with him. Just…just get me a stopwatch or something.” Ianto grinned. Jack looked at him quizzically. “What’s so funny?”
Ianto’s grin broadened. “Well, think about it, lots of things to do with a stopwatch.”
A look of awareness crossed Jack’s face. He nodded his head, returning Ianto’s mischievous smile. “Oh, yeah. I can think of a few.”
“Ahem,” the shop assistant interrupted.
Ianto glared at her. He was really starting to hate that woman.
“Right.” Jack took a deep breath and shook his head. “Uh, are…are you free for about a half-hour?”
Ianto hesitated slightly. “Yeah, yeah. I’m supposed to meet my sister, but…” He looked at his watch and knew he would be cutting it close. But he had to risk it. “I can be a bit late.”
“Oh, good! Come with me.” Jack took hold of Ianto’s arm. “You have an important decision to make.”
Ianto was somewhat regretting his decision at this moment. They had gone to a shop called Grander Grooms to help Jack pick out a tux for the service. Jack insisted that he was no good at picking out formal wear and thought Ianto had a good eye for clothes. “Now, the crucial thing is you mustn’t laugh.” Jack called out from one of the fitting rooms.
“Ok. Right.” Ianto sat down waiting for Jack to come out.
Jack came out like he was on a runaway and did a little spin for Ianto. He was wearing a long grey jacket with tails, a white dress shirt with a grey waist coat over it, with a matching grey striped tie. Topping it off, he had a grey top hat on. “What do you think?”
Ianto chortled softly. He thought it was impossible that Jack could ever look truly bad in anything, but this outfit just didn’t suit him. “You look handsome.”
“I kind of feel like I’m a Member of Parliament.”
“Trust me, no King could pull that off the way you do.” Ianto offered.
Jack grinned. “Thanks. It just doesn’t feel like me.” Ianto nodded in agreement. “Ok, don’t worry. We’ve only just begun!”
A few minutes later he came out with his head bowed. “You don’t even have to say it?”
Ianto stifled a chuckle. Jack was wearing a white buttoned up shirt, with a black bow tie and red velvet jacket. “You know, I think it’s quite perfect.”
Jack looked up at him, a mixture of horror and astonishment on his face. “Really?”
“Yes. That isn’t for the wedding though, is it? Because I thought you were also planning on hosting a game show from the 80’s.”
“Ha ha, very funny.” Jack went back into the fitting room.
Ianto felt like an eternity went by before Jack came back out again. This next outfit might have been even more ridiculous than the last. “I had a fight with the sales girl for about twenty minutes because she insisted that this dress was just perfect for a gay wedding. And because I’m wearing a suit jacket, it’s “quite formal.” The suit jacket was black with what looked like glitter all over it, a sheer tight shirt, studded belt, and black pants with more sparkly glitter.
“All right…and you decided to humor her by wearing this, instead of killing her because…”
Jack shrugged. “I don’t know. I just wanted to see what it would look like. And I thought if I just put it on, she’d finally shut up about it.”
Ianto got up and examined the ensemble closely. “She does realize you’re getting married and not going clubbing at studio 54? This is just horrid.”
“On the bright side, she did say that the pants really highlighted my crotch.” Jack said, gesturing at the area with his hands.
Ianto immediately looked down at Jack’s crotch. “Hmm, she may actually have a point. On second thought, maybe you should take this, just don’t wear it at the service.”
Jack laughed. “Come on. Help me pick something out that isn’t hideous.”
Ianto was still looking at his crotch. Jack snapped his fingers in Ianto’s face. “Oh, right. I shall do my best.” As they walked to the back, Ianto told Jack. “You know, my father was a tailor…”
*****
After finding the perfect tux for Jack, Ianto and he decided to stop off at a local diner for lunch. They talked for a little while about Ianto’s family. Jack was very vague when the subject turned to his family. There was an awkward pause as they sipped their tea. “One strange thing is thinking you’ll, uh, never sleep with anyone else.” Ianto said suddenly. “You don’t think you’ll be unfaithful?
Jack sighed thoughtfully. “I hope not. I really do. But it’s definitely going to be hard, especially given my history. I’ve had my fair, more than fair, run at it.”
“What is a fair run these days, down your way?” Ianto sat forward just a little bit more, somewhat anxious, but mostly curious about Jack’s sexual past. He still remembered River saying at Rhi’s wedding that Jack would sleep with anyone and anything.
“I don’t know,” Jack said, suddenly sheepish. “Certainly more than one.”
“I could guess that you’ve been with more than one person. Come on! I’ve seen your penis. We have no secrets.” Ianto grinned; looking around making sure no one else was listening.
“That’s not an exclusive club,” Jack replied honestly. “Well… The first one…I’m always surprised that I can remember my first. But I guess the adage is true about how you never forget your first-good or bad. It was nice. Two…hairy back.” Ianto chuckled. Jack paused in thought. “Three, four, five, six…ten was on my birthday.”
“Ten?” Ianto asked incredulously. Which birthday?”
“17th.”
Ianto’s eyebrows rose a little. “We’ve only reached 17?”
“Where I grew up expressing your sexuality freely was like the national pastime,” Jack said matter-of-factly. “I’ve done a lot of exploring.” Ianto just nodded. “Ok. Ten…unfortunately, was quite a shock.” He held up his pinky indicating a size issue. “Twenty…”
“We’re skipping to twenty?”
“We’re going to be doing a lot of skipping. You don’t have all day, right? This is just a rough estimate.” Ianto just shook his head dazedly and waved his hand for Jack to continue. “Twenty, against a fence. Very uncomfortable. But really worth it. Twenty-five, oh…was gorgeous.” He sighed. “Just heaven, just…Oh, she was wonderful!”
“I hate her.”
Jack snickered at that. He continued to rattle off names and numbers. They had enough time for Ianto to order some fish and chips, even though he would have much rather had some strong Scotch at this point. “Thirty…Oh, my God! I can’t believe I’ve reached thirty.”
“You can’t believe it.” Ianto said teasingly.
Jack smiled. “Thirty had an elephant tongue. That was…” He shuddered excitedly. “Hot! Thirty-five through about forty was kind of a low patch. Let’s just say I was having trouble meeting people who spoke my language. There was a lot of miscommunication and weird, weird sex. Forty-two actually broke my heart. I was not expecting that.”
Ianto took Jack’s hand. “I’m sorry.”
“I rebounded with forty-three through forty-six…Together.”
Ianto covered his mouth with his hands. “Seriously?”
“I know.” Jack grinned lasciviously. “Oh! Forty-eight, he actually kept falling asleep. That was the first time I was in England.”
“I do apologize.”
“Fifty…that was a mistake.”
“Suddenly at fifty you make a mistake?”
Jack gazed away. “A big one! I think I’m still paying for that.” He moved on quickly. “Fifty-one, God he kept screaming. I know I’m good but it was incredibly off-putting. And fifty-five,” he looked down at the table a small smile on his face, “was lovely. And that’s it, fifty-five!”
Ianto scrubbed his hand across his face. “Wow! So…uh…I assume number fifty-five was your fiancé?”
“No, that was you.”
Ianto was a bit startled at that. “Oh! So you’re…I guess…a bit of a manwhore.”
“Something like that.” Jack snorted. He looked at Ianto hesitantly. “Does that make you want to run screaming for the hills?”
Ianto pondered that for a moment. “No,” he said finally. “I suppose it should but…it’s frightening, but I don’t care. Though, it doesn’t really matter what I think. I’m not the one you’re marrying.”
“Right.” Jack said simply. He wrung his hands. “And how about you? What’s your magic number?”
Ianto chuckled loudly, “Christ! Nothing even close to that many. I don’t know…I don’t know what the fuck I’ve been doing with my time actually. Work, probably. Yeah, work. I have been working late…a lot.” Jack grinned. Ianto ran his hands through his hair, briefly putting his head on the table. He looked up at Jack. “I wish I’d rung you.” Jack didn’t meet his eyes. “But then you never rang me. You ruthlessly slept with me twice and never rang me.” Jack bit his lip, looking regretful. “Oh, bollocks!” Ianto exclaimed, just remembering the time. “Help me, please! Please!” He got up hurriedly and Jack hastily left money on the table and followed Ianto.
*****
Jack and Ianto ran to the entrance of the movie theater, where Tosh was waiting by the glass doors. As soon as she saw Ianto, Tosh started signing furiously, “You’re no longer my brother, you’re just some git I once met.”
Ianto smiled ruefully. “I’m sorry.” He turned to Jack. “Jack, this is Tosh, my sister. Um…” He turned to Tosh. “This is Jack.”
Tosh mouthed “hi” to Jack. Jack took her hand and kissed the back of her hand. “Hi.”
“We were buying him a tuxedo for his wedding ceremony.”
Tosh rolled her eyes. “Pathetic excuse. Who’s he marrying?”
“Some total penis.” Ianto looked back at Jack and smiled.
“What is it about penises that they always end up with someone totally unworthy of them?”
Jack looked at Ianto. Ianto explained, “I was just telling her about um, you marrying John and she said it couldn’t have happened to a nicer fellow. So that’s nice.”
Jack looked a little skeptical but smiled at Tosh.
“Didn’t you and he have sex once?”
Ianto looked over at Jack. “Where are you doing it?”
“Scotland,” Jack answered.
Ianto turned back to Tosh and gave her the thumbs up sign, “Yes.”
Jack dropped his umbrella and bent to pick it up. Tosh stared at his butt and smirked. Turning to Ianto she signed, while also making a gesture indicating something round. “Nice ass.” She turned back to Jack and giggled.
“I saw that,” Jack said smiling. “You don’t have to translate that. I have a pretty good idea what she said. I like her.” Ianto translated that to Tosh, who blushed slightly. “You should come to the ceremony, too. I want as many friends as possible to make up for the egocentric jerks that John knows.” Ianto translated this and Tosh nodded. “Well, you’d better go in. Bye.” He said, shaking Tosh’s hand. “Bye.” He directed at Ianto.
“Bye.” Ianto rubbed his eyes and looked down sadly. “Come on-we’re late.” He followed Tosh inside. He stopped immediately. He couldn’t do this again. He was feeling something he was sure he’d never felt before and even though it was terrifying. He had to say something before it was too late. “Fuck it!” He ran outside and tracked Jack down, racing up to him. “Um, look.” Jack turned back to him, startled. “Sorry. Sorry. Uh…I just, um, well…This is a really stupid question, and um, particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but, uh…” He twisted his hands. “I just wondered if by any chance…Um, uh…I mean, obviously not, because I am just some git who’s only slept with nine people.” Jack looked at him bewildered. “But I…I just wondered, uh…I really feel, um…uh…In short, to recap in a slightly clearer version…uh…in the words of David Cassidy, in fact, um, while he was still with the Partridge Family, uh, I think I love you. “ He barely took a breath and continued to stammer while Jack smiled at him. “And, uh…I…I…I…just wondered whether by any chance you wouldn’t like to, um…Uh…uh…” He exhaled and shook his head slightly. “No. No. No, of course not. Um…I am an idiot. He’s not. Excellent. Excellent. Fantastic. Lovely to see you. Sorry to disturb. Better get on.” He turned away from Jack. “Fuck!” His mouth was incredibly dry and he felt like he’d just run a marathon.
“That was very romantic.” Ianto turned back around. Jack gave him a small smile, but looked down, not meeting his eyes.
“Well, I thought it over a lot, you know. I wanted to get it just right. Important to have said it, I think.”
“Said what, exactly?” Jack knew he shouldn’t even be asking this, but he couldn’t help it.
Ianto blinked. “Said, uh…you know, what I just said about, uh…David Cassidy.”
Jack smiled, but it quickly dropped. He moved forward and kissed Ianto on the cheek. “You’re lovely.” He lingered there for a moment, touching Ianto’s face. Ianto met his eyes briefly. Jack looked away and stepped back. He looked like he wanted to say something. But he turned and walked away, glancing back at Ianto briefly.
Ianto stood there for what felt like years. He touched the side of his face where Jack had kissed him. It didn’t truly feel like good-bye…and yet that’s what it was.